Intimidation Crab & Other Survival Strategies

Content Warning: panic attacks

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I know a lot of you left Facebook to ditch the drama - which I get, believe me - but posts like this from Daya over in FoE are often my little lifelines of sanity:

:D

The comments, of course, did not disappoint:

... and some days you just need this kind of silliness to combat, you know... ::gestures weakly at everything::

I don't have any news yet from my mammogram the other week, and as with most scary things, the waiting is the hardest part. Or at least, I hope the waiting is the hardest.

 I did the unhealthy thing, though: I tried to bottle up my anxiety, pretend everything was fine. Then the more I pretended, the more scared I got. Within a few days I was stuck in a panic loop, unable to think about anything but my own looming death, pain, and regrets. It was irrational, but also as real as my constantly sweating palms.

Anything mentionable is manageable. I love that lesson from Mr. Rogers and try to live by it, but I forgot it this time, beloved. Instead of mentioning it, instead of dragging my nasty little fear gremlin into the light, I hid it from John and my friends. I built walls around it. I guarded it. And so it grew.

It was only a few days before I fell apart. Blind panic, full body shakes, and finally, mercifully, a loud and messy confessional sobbed into John's shoulder. It was the scariest 24 hours I've had in years; I still feel the dread rippling forward from it now.

And yet, within an hour of pouring out my secret, I felt so much better. Talking about how scared I was made the fear gremlin shrink. Suddenly I remembered how treatable all these things we're testing for are, how it's good to check things early, and how unlikely it is that we'll find something doomsday-level in the first place. After so much certain despair, I felt a shaky ray of hope.

The next day, all heck broke loose again online.

As the internet exploded in a fresh wave of conflict, I had to go into survival mode. I know some of you are up for the fight, and others are like me: already panicked and broken even before this latest tipping point. So I thought I'd share 5 things I've been doing this week for my mental health. Maybe something here will help some of you who are barely hanging on, too.

1) Take your meds & see your doctors

I started taking my prescription anti-anxiety meds and supplements regularly instead of "as needed."  I also ordered more things that have helped in the past, and I think I'll be scheduling regular therapy sessions again, since it's clearly been too long.

I was raised with a crippling stigma against mental health care, so this is hard for me, but I will shout it from the rooftops: brain medicine is just medicine, y'all. We don't think less of someone for going to physical therapy or taking insulin, so why should we feel ashamed of going to psychological therapy or taking brain medicine? Answer: we shouldn't. It's all medical care.

2) Take a break from social media

 I stayed off my phone for a day or two, and when I did venture back I limited my time on social media, and used my remaining willpower to scroll past posts from family or friends that made me angry. Remember, no one has ever changed their mind because someone yelled at them on the internet. So for the sake of your mental health, just keep scrolling. When and if you want to take a political stand, call your representatives.

3) Schedule lots of in-person friend time

This feels counter-intuitive, I know. I want to hide when I'm anxious, not be around people! - but friends ground me. They get me out of my head, distract me from my fears, and fill me up with hugs and laughter. I'm a hardcore introvert, but I promise you, even us introverts are wired for connection. Sometimes it just takes us longer to realize it.

Plus, as I've said before, people in the abstract often make me lose faith in humanity, but people in reality bring me hope. So John and I were with friends all weekend: crafting with Dennis & Bonnie on Friday, thrifting with Karen on Saturday, and working on Ken & Sue's office all day Sunday. Last night I visited with Julianne for a few hours. Not all of them knew what I was going through, but they didn't have to. Just being with safe, comfortable people was enough.

John and I have two more friend outings this week, and I'm leaning on the power of proper meds, therapy, and sheer gritted faith to get me through the trip to Disney especially. I know this is good for me, so I'm doing all I can to feel strong again.

4) Treat yourself with extra rest, comfort shows, and happy hobbies

Mental health care is health care, so if you're feeling crappy it's time for a sick day. Or a sick week. Camp out on the couch with your favorite blanket, treats, and fur babies. Watch comfort shows, read a good book, and overall just be gentle with yourself.

When we're panicking it feels like it'll be this way forever, but I promise it won't. You'll get out. You'll feel joy again, you'll be brave again, you'll lift people up and tell the story of this Dark Time and how friends and love and internet silliness pulled you through.

Gakman Creatures coming through again with the cute! I'm getting Eva & double Suki vibes.

5) Get Moving

I'm not a super active person, but every little bit helps. I do yoga several times a week, I walk on my treadmill desk while I work most mornings, and I do volunteer work painting or organizing a couple times a month. The yoga is the most physically relaxing, of course, but the volunteer work is the most fulfilling for my anxiety. So when I say to get moving, I don't necessarily mean exercise: I mean do something. Something physical, something tangible. Make your bed, paint a picture, call your representatives. Give your brain a shot of dopamine by getting something accomplished, no matter how small.

I'm not fully myself again yet, but doing these things has helped me survive my spiking panic and the added stresses online. Nights are still the scariest, so I'm grateful for a hubby who stays up with me 'til dawn, watching re-runs of 30 Rock and working on a jigsaw puzzle by my side, just so I don't have to face my broken brain alone.

In fact, because I'm still not well, and because I don't want to be a hypocrite after telling you to take care of yourself, I've decided to take the next few weeks off. I haven't taken a break here since... oh wow, 2013?!... so I think it's high time for some down time. I plan to keep doing all these things on my list while I recuperate, get some more check-ups, take a lot of naps, and I can't wait to come back when I'm refreshed and feeling more like myself.

Thank you if you've messaged or commented or sent healing words or thoughts my way; I have felt incredibly loved, and wish I could hug y'all SO HARD. Instead you'll just have to be extra good to yourself for me, k?

I love you. We're going to get through this. Pass it on.