22 Cursed Objects I Found Antiquing That Must Be Shared

I go antiquing for three things: 

 

1) the cute nostalgic stuff from my childhood,

2) the cool history stuff from before my time, and

 

3) the cursed objects.



YASSSSS.

Cursed objects are hands down my favorite. You know what I'm talking about: the creepy, the inexplicable, the stuff that makes you recoil in horrified laughter shrieking "WHY???"

Yep, that stuff's my jam.

So last week for my birthday - and after a loooooong 2 year hiatus - John and I spent a heavenly 3 hours finding every cursed object in my favorite antique mall here in Orlando. (I also found lots of cute and cool stuff, but that's for another post.)

You ready for this?

And full disclosure: I 100% love most of these finds, and I'm already regretting not buying a few. So let's see how many you love, starting with...

LEVITATING LETTIE:

At first I thought this was another boring garden ghost statue, but then I spotted her feet. She hangs on the wall and FLOATS, y'all. Perfect for over the bed in your guest room, behind the door in the bathroom... really anywhere someone can stumble across her unexpectedly in the dark.


Now, I know clowns are the low-hanging fruit of the cursed object world, but what can I say? I'm short.

Besides, it's really the hands on this one that bring the noise. You can tell they're supposed to be holding something, but what? A musical instrument? A bone saw? An even smaller version of itself that slowly siphons your soul into its ceramic cheek zit until you're an empty husk haunted by off-key circus organs that drive you into oblivion?

::head tilt::

Or maybe jewelry?


While we're having these thought exercises, imagine, if you will, the design committee that decided there was a market for flocked elephant boobies:


"EYES UP, MISTER"

I don't know how an elephant can flash its nipples and still look that affronted, but here we are.

Can a plastic bubble bath container be a cursed object? I report, you decide:

Personally I find this literal "cowboy" hilarious, but he also appears to be a human wearing a cow mask, so best not to ponder that one too long.


Hey, remember Tasha Yar's death scene in Star Trek:TNG?


Cool.


One neat thing about antiquing in Orlando, you find LOTS of old Disney stuff. Which can be, um, hit or miss:

This Snow White has seen things.

But not as many things as Dopey.

If you like terrifying renditions of classic children's characters, then do I have a salt and pepper shaker set for you:

 Not gonna lie, at first I thought this was Hoggle from Labyrinth wearing a jello mold. Disappointing.

The tag says this is a bobble head, but all I see is a donkey urinal:

 I'mma need someone to build a full size urinal version, then come up with an appropriate "ass" pun to go with it. FOR SCIENCE.


I spotted a high shelf filled with Norwegian troll dolls - you know, like the famous ones at Epcot? - but one of these on the left was NOT like the others:


Tell me that's not a Tuskan Raider from Star Wars wearing purple eyeshadow.


Right??


When you're tired of Victorian-era ghosts and want a haunting that's a little more groovy:


Ahhh, I can already hear the subtle warped strains of "Stayin' Alive" drifting from your radiator grate.


Here's the most cursed example of sponge-painting I've ever seen - and that's after a career fixing sponge-painted guest baths in the early 2000s:

No. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(Pay no attention to the drips by the hairline... which appears to be made of real hair.)

I'm guessing that's an ash tray (hurk), but tell me Right Said Fred here wouldn't be a perfect tampon dispenser. Right? 'Cuz if ever an expression said, "Hey there! You look like you're ready to murder someone! Can I help?" it's this one.

Now let's give our gag reflexes a break with the most adorable creepy-cute creamer dish:

I love her.

In fact, if she's still there when I go back I'm totally buying her. I'll stick blue hydrangeas in her head and display her in the Wonderland room.

I'd also like to point out that Bailey up there is an example of proper face placement.

Unlike this:

No, sure, just put that lid line anywhere. 

POP QUIZ TIME:

Which is more horrifying: the thought of peering into your coffee cup and seeing THIS crawling out?

... of the fact that this coffee cup costs nearly $300?

o.O



Do you want ghosts? Because this is how we get ghosts:

(Don't worry: I looked it up, and this is a reproduction "Aztec" shell mask used for home decor, which are disturbingly common online. Why. WHY.)

Let's jump back to some creepy-cute goodies, because I think this cookie jar is adorable and only has like a 20% chance of killing you in your sleep:

Same with these wind-up toys:

And these angry lettuce heads:

 I think I missed this episode of Veggie Tales.  0.o


Here's a mystery challenge I'm calling, "Do We Really Want To Know?"

It appears to be a chicken with its head cut off... and a clown face drawn around the neck stump area.

Sweet Stay Puft, y'all. SWEET STAY PUFT.

(I found a whiskey label on the bottom. Should have known alcohol was involved somehow.)

Another personal favorite coming up, and yes, it's another clown. But I can explain!

Doesn't this look... familiar?





AND THEN IT GETS BETTER:


Omigosh, y'all. I bet Evelyn was/is a HOOT and we would totally be friends.


And finally, you know I saved my favorite for last.

Preeeeeesenting, the one, the only...

One-Eyed Willy

... the cockapoo.

A cursed, cursed cockapoo.

I hope these brought a little more joy and possibly more interesting nightmares to your life. Which were your favorites? Which would you buy? And do you want to see the NON-cursed fun stuff I found, too?


*****

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::MWAH::