Legend, The 36 Year Old Movie That's A Love Letter To Tom Cruise's Thighs, And Other Thoughts

This review will be an extremely long read riddled with spoilers, a little snark, a lot of silly, some hilarious photos, and INTENSE NERD-DOM.

You have been warned.

So a week or two ago I suggested we watch the infamous 1985 fantasy flop, Legend, and discovered something alarming: John had never seen it.
 
That's right, he'd never seen Tim Curry in bull horns. Or Mia Sarah from Ferris Bueller dramatically flouncing through a Claritin commercial. Or Tom Cruise rescuing a fairy with a chicken foot for a hand out of a giant pie shell in hell.

This could not stand.

Let's get one thing out of the way first: Legend is not a good movie. Roger Ebert gave it two stars, and to this day it has a 38% from critics on Rotten Tomatoes. It flopped HARD at the box office, and is often blamed for killing fantasy movies in general until Peter Jackson came along with Lord of the Rings.

Nope, Legend is not a good movie.

But it is a GREAT movie.

Pretty much everyone agrees you don't watch Legend for the story, you watch it for the jaw-dropping visuals. And when I say jaw-dropping, I mean take-your-breath away STUNNING, even 36 years later:

If one of your aesthetics is "running barefoot through the misty moors in a shredded ballgown", then THIS IS YOUR MOVIE, fam.

I was amazed how well I remembered it, too, considering I haven't seen Legend in probably 20 years. I could even recite some of the dialogue, and immediately noticed when the version we rented cut Meg Mucklebones' scene short.

That cut scene nagged me, so I turned to Google... and immediately fell down a 20+ hour rabbit hole of all things Legend. (Haha, whoops.)

So now, in no particular order, here come my favorite fun facts and personal observations from this amazingly beautiful, amazingly bad movie:

- Legend Is a Love Letter To Tom Cruise's Thighs

Tom Cruise was 22 during filming and fresh off the set of Risky Business - the movie that gave us the world-famous underwear dance. Not to be outdone, the producers of Legend decided Tom would not only be pants-less the entire movie, he would also be prohibited from walking upright for most of it.

Instead he crouches, crawls, leaps, flips, and generally does his utmost to give us as many crotch shots as possible, all while wearing what could most charitably be described as a loincloth.

Am I complaining?

NO I AM NOT. 

But wait, it gets better.

Early on Tom needs to gear up to go fight some baddies. And look! This magic tree has a set of golden armor exactly his size. This tree's got everything, y'all: a scale mail shirt, a shield, a sword...

AND NO PANTS

I want to shake the hand of the costume designer who stuck to their guns for this decision. No-pants armored Tom Cruise fighting baddies is a vibe we can all only aspire to.

- The MUA (Make Up Artist) Had A Thing For Unibrows

Why. WHY.

I could almost forgive their making Tom Cruise look like a member of the Croods, but then Dark Lili, too??

Oh HECK no.

Eh, but who am I kidding: even with a unibrow this makeup is amazeballs. That eyeliner streak is especially brilliant for this scene: from a distance, when she's cowering, it looks like she's cried off her mascara. Then her attitude shifts during the close-up, and the streak makes her look like a gothic badass. Friggin' genius.


- A Large Part Of The Set Burned Down 10 Days Before They Finished Filming

This is why the meeting of the unicorns shifts suddenly in the film: part was in studio, the rest had to be shot in a local park. To create the stream, Ridley Scott opened several fire hoses down the park path!

The set designers did such a good job I can't tell which part is in the park, though. This scene... or this one?

This one has the narrower stream/path, so maybe that's it?

- Gump Was Actually Voiced By The Actress Who Played Blix

K, first of all I didn't know that Blix was played - and voiced - by a woman, and then it's extra cool that she voiced two of the main characters!

I knew Gump's voice was dubbed, but I assumed it was because the actor was so young they wanted an older voice. Nope. Turns out David Bennet (who played Gump) was 18 at the time(!!) and they only dubbed him because of his German accent.

Also regarding Alice Playten - who played Blix - allow me to present this behind-the-scenes, Extremely Cursed Image:

That's... that's in my brain now. I take comfort in knowing it's in yours, too.

:D

I'm literally bringing back the Unicorn Chaser for that, here we go:

- Unicorns Sound Like Humpback Whales. CANON.

This isn't like Jurassic Park where they mixed together a bunch of animal sounds to make a dino roar, either; they literally just blasted the mournful sound of humpback whales over all the unicorn scenes. It is not subtle. You know it's whale song. They know it's whale song. And they know that you know it's whale song.

Also I kept hearing Scotty say this in my head, ha.

Those scenes feel like an artsy aquarium pre-show, which only enhances the overall "what-was-in-those-brownies" vibe you get through the whole movie, really.

- There Are 4 Different Versions,  2 Different Endings, and 2 Completely Different Soundtracks

Here's where the rabbit hole gets REAL DEEP, y'all.

(Feel free to skip ahead, this part is only for the uber Legend nerds. I spent forever figuring it out, though, so heck yes I'm including it.)

The four official versions of Legend include:
1) The original 1985 European release
2) The 1986 American theatrical release
3) The 2002 Director's Cut released on DVD, and
4) The American TV version, which most of us here in the U.S. know best. This was almost identical to the U.S. theatrical release, but has 2 extended scenes from the European version added in.

The American versions are slightly shorter and all but the DC end with Lili and Jack running off into the sunset together. The Director's Cut adds an extra 20+ minutes of run time, slight story changes, lots of alternative camera angles, and has a more bittersweet/nuanced ending, with Lili leaving Jack in the forest.

Check it out, I found a clip of the alternate ending:



If you're not confused yet, hang on; there's more.

There are two completely different soundtracks for Legend, and hardcore fans will FIGHT YOU over which is best. Europe got an orchestral score by Jerry Goldsmith that includes Lili singing(!!) like in the clip above, while America got a synthesizer-loaded 80s pop fever dream by the appropriately named Tangerine Dream.

I've read more Legend reviews than I can count in the last week, and most fans seem to prefer the  Tangerine Dream soundtrack - but then most of them grew up with that one here in the U.S., so that could be the nostalgia talking. I'd love to hear from some of you who grew up with the Jerry Goldsmith score!

If you're like me and curious to see the original European release & soundtrack, then you'll have to buy either the Director's Cut DVD *or* the Ultimate Edition Blu-ray, which apparently has both versions.

Now back to the easier-to-understand trivia and funny pictures. (Phew!)

-  Robert Picardo  - aka The Doctor On Voyager - Played Meg The Swamp Witch.

Yes, really!

Sorry, it had to be done.

I'm especially nerding out for this tidbit because a million years ago I met Robert Picardo at a tiny Star Trek con here in Orlando, and someone asked what sort of acting job he'd never take again. He then told a story about an incredibly uncomfortable makeup/prosthetic costume that involved being strapped into some sort of rig. It was such a lengthy process that the crew would leave him there during breaks, sometimes even forgetting he was up there all together, and it was so miserable he vowed never to take a big prosthetics job like that again.

Picardo was too polite to name the movie or the character at the time, but NOW I KNOW WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT and I really shouldn't be this excited about it, should I? ::head tilt::

 Nope, I've decided I'll take my nerd joy where I can get it, so yes I should be this excited.

You'll also recognize a younger Kiran Shah as Blunder (once he takes off his goblin helmet), who I know mostly from the Lord of the Rings behind-the-scenes documentaries, plus Chronicles of Narnia.

If you look closely you'll notice Blunder has a chicken foot in place of a hand, which is NEVER MENTIONED, because ehhhh, details, am I right? (Omigosh, y'all. THIS MOVIE. I can't. I love the badness so much.) Anyhoo, turns out the explanation was in a deleted scene; Blunder talked out of turn and Darkness cursed him. There was also a 4th goblin named Tic but we are mooooving on.

If you've made it this far into my Legendary deep dive (you knew that pun was going to happen eventually), then you, my friend, are about to be richly rewarded. Yep, these last two sections are my absolute FAVORITES EEEEEEE.

- Legend's Publicity Stills Look Like Awkward Prom Photos With A Unicorn And I Am HERE. FOR. IT. 

They even did the classic cheesy prom pose. YES.

(Side Tangent: I've read Tom's scale mail is made from flattened bottle caps, and now I can't unsee the textured edges around each disk or stop imagining they're all Coors Light caps spray-painted gold.)

Oh wait, but I promised Awkward Prom Pics with a unicorn, didn't I?

Oh Hay There

Of course this gets better:

Hmm. Not bad, not bad, I like the super obvious patch where the horn is glued on - but you know what this photo really needs?

A reminder that Tom isn't wearing pants.

THERE 'TIS

And let's talk about the chiropractic adjustment Mia needed after this shoot, because my neck hurts just looking at that.

On second thought let's get to my final fun fact, because this post is getting out of hand, even for me.

- As It Turns Out, Tim Curry Is The Real Legend

Even the haters agree: Tim Curry is ICONIC in his role as Darkness, and one of the best - if not THE best - parts of the movie. It took about 5 hours to get Curry into costume each day, and I like to think by the time he made it to this particular publicity shoot he was feeling a little punchy:

Seriously, let's take a long moment to appreciate THE COMPLETE AND TOTAL SASS in that final picture. That's the face of someone about to casually criticize your shoes before suggesting brunch.

Ooohh, I found the full photo, apparently they used to sell posters of this?

CAN'T TOUCH THIS
(whoa oh)

Wait, wait, here comes another gem:

HEY GIRL

Omigosh, the head toss in the breeze, the kicky hands-on-hips...! Tell me he wouldn't fit perfectly in a 1980's K-mart ad for back-to-school jeans.

::side eye::

::debates taking this too far::

::looks at how far I've already taken it::

::shrugs::

Aaaaand, you're welcome:

WITNESS MY NERD JOY

I don't know about you, but I would watch the heck out of that sit-com.

(Omigosh, I only just now read the ad text, and it is ::chef's kiss:: PERFECTION.)

Final Thoughts:

Obviously this was not a comprehensive review - or even a review at all, but I have to pull the rip cord somewhere. I left out all kinds of stuff, like the metric butt-ton of glitter that puts even Labyrinth to shame, the allergen NIGHTMARES blowing through every scene, my favorite adorable duo, Brown Tom & Screwball, the still-traumatizing depictions of Hell, and of course the world's most deliciously dramatic costume quick change. There really is so much more, so I'll leave you with a few links if you want to keep this deep dive going:

- This post on Tor is my favorite of all the reviews I've read so far; it made me laugh and has some great insights.

- Here's a fun "Then vs Now" showing most of the main cast.

- This Legend FAQ page has LOTS more detailed trivia, and even links to a few props/costumes that have sold over the years

I hope this was a nice distraction from any bleggy real world stuff going on for you this week, and maybe gave you a few giggles. I also hope it inspires you to watch an old movie soon - preferably something campy and objectively terrible from your childhood - and then write about it! Because seriously, I've lost nearly two dozen happy hours researching and writing this post, and it's been such a blast. Try it!

And of course, please drop any of your favorite Legend memories or trivia here. I know I left a lot out, so lets continue this nerd-fest in the comments.

(@MolotovBailey & @Little Things Count)

To my knowledge this the ONLY Legend cosplay I've ever encountered IRL, but wow did they do it justice. (Those horns!) So now I'mma put this out there: I need to see a pants-less Jack & Lili in her ren gown, y'all. SOMEONE MAKE THIS HAPPEN. If necessary we could start a drive for Coors Light caps, to contribute to the cause.

I love y'all. Go be weird, k?

*****

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