That 2020 Hangover Though

Real life will be intruding on today's post. If you've got enough of your own real life at the moment, best skip this one.

I've been sleeping all day again, and restless all night. Some of it is a little nerve damage in my neck and arms I'm struggling with, but mostly it's :;gestures vaguely:: all this. You know? I've lived and worked online for over 12 years now, and it's given me light, love, community - but lately my time there leaves me distracted, listless, vaguely anxious. Even with the political stuff here in the U.S. starting to cool, I'm just... unsettled.

It helps that my routine is getting back to normal; no more holiday breaks from therapy or weekly check-ins with friends. Those gaps over the past 2 weeks were vital missing jenga pieces in my tenous Keep It Together Tower, and largely why I posted so much here. I think I needed to check in with you bots as much as I hoped to be a little check-in for you. Plus, you know, fun Christmas stuff. :) (I still didn't fit it all in. Next year I've got to start sooner, ha.)

We're leaving the trees and decorations up a bit longer this month, because the twinkle of colorful lights makes the nights seem friendlier.

Covid is so bad here in Florida that we've had to stop the Project:Epbot job we've been working on. Even with all parties masked, our friends are so high-risk that they've had to lock down completely, which I understand and agree with, though it still makes me sad. I miss the work. I miss doing something tangibly helpful in this time of feeling so helpless.

On the other extreme, we have friends who've abandoned distancing and who we have to keep saying no to. We have John's high-risk mom who won't wear a mask, but who makes us feel terrible for not spending time with her. Everywhere we turn there's this tension of trying to love people the best way we can, weighing the risks, and sometimes risking relationships with the very people we're trying to do right by.

It's draining. 

And 10 hours of sleep just isn't filling me up.

My reaction to stress and conflict has always been the same: I retreat. I shut down. I get quiet to the point of going catatonic. I think I just have to hide for a while to recharge.

At the best of times I dislike phone conversations. I can't see your face, how am I supposed to know what you mean? How do I know you're listening? What if I can't hear you because the connection is bad but then you keep going so I can't ask you to repeat yourself and now I have to fake knowing what those missing words were and figure out some ambivalent response? Aaaaaarg. It's all so dang stressful.

So here I am writing this post instead of returning 4 phone calls from well-meaning monsters who love me but who also don't text. Heh. I don't want to talk, not out loud. I don't want to exchange pleasantries or fake the smile in my voice. But I also don't want to be real and tell them how much I'm struggling to find a reason to get dressed. I just want to sit here in my quiet, darkened living room, with the twinkly Christmas tree on, pick at the jigsaw puzzle on the coffee table, and not feel anything for a while.

Yep. I think I'll hide a little while longer. Try to heal up.

And hey, you there, still in your jammies, nodding your head in that "omigosh, ME, TOO" way: you're welcome to join me. We have Movie Night in two hours over on the Epbot Discord, and we're watching Ratatouille. (Or if you miss that, there's a second showing Sunday afternoon.) No talking or daytime clothes required; let's just watch a movie, post silly gifs, and heal up together.

I love you, by the way. Thank you for loving me. Thanks for being here when I post too much and when I don't post at all. Thanks for being there for each other. This community keeps me going even while I watch from the sidelines, and your posts and comments mean more than you'll ever know, to people you'll never meet.

Here's to sweet silence and soft twinkle lights and healing up from the scars of 2020.