Real Life Check In: Still Falling Apart, But With STYLE (& Flamingos)

Over breakfast yesterday afternoon I read a letter from one of you readers that got me right in the gut, in a good way. It reminded me how much we connect here over the hard stuff, and that it's been a while since we had a chat about Real Life and its accompanying Hard Stuff. 

I tend to get so caught up in my crafts and projects and photos that I leave out the messier things happening around here, which can be dangerous. That could make you think, "Hey, that Jen, she's got it all together!" Or worse, it could make me think you prefer this "more perfect" version of me, which ABSOLUTELY cannot stand. I'm a broken mess and proud of it, dangit.

So hey, let's catch up.

- First, a little bad: last week I had my first full-blown panic attack since March. I made it this long through a global Pandemic and the election - so what finally convinces me I'm about to die? Taking a test drive during rush hour. Arg. We got stuck in gridlock when I didn't have my emergency Xanax with me, which set off my agoraphobia. Plus the car we were test-driving smelled TERRIBLE and the seat wouldn't let me stretch out... basically a perfect storm of sensory overload and bad timing.

Our 11-year-old Kia broke down the other week, and we've been doing that whole "do we buy a newer car or fix the old one?" dance. (Ergo the test drive.) In the end we decided to keep our old car, so John's been working to fix it up, getting new tires, lights, widgets, gizmos, etc.

Quick Cat Break, because lookit that face:

And these faces:

D'awww. There's been an ongoing battle over this blanket, so the times they share are extra adorable.

Anyhoo, having a bad panic attack after you haven't had one in a long time is a valuable - though super sucky - reminder. It reminded me I can do all the right coping things: the belly breathing and rational thoughts and icing my hands and face - and still feel completely out of control, just free-falling off that terror cliff. It reminded me my mind and body can still betray me. Mostly, though, it reminded me how far I've come, and to never take the panic-free days for granted.

Here's a panic victory to offset that bit of yuckiness, though: on Monday I did the Big Scary Thing and went in for my first pap smear & exam in over 8 years. I'd been putting it off out of fear, since I had a traumatic exam roughly 10 years ago. (The doctor, who was later fired, performed an endometrial biopsy instead of a pap. I cried for 8 hours straight.) That fear convinced me to keep putting it off. I told myself it would be too hard to find a new doctor this year anyway, and if I did, they would only lecture me once I got there anyway. But you know what? I finally, FINALLY did it. And it went fine. The nurse was amazing, and the doctor was pretty nice, too - no scolding at all. The slight pain of the exam did trigger some terrible memories, but with a preemptive Xanax and John there beside me, I got through it. Booyah. Take THAT, panic monster. Take that, PTSD.

Hmm. I think we need a silly chaser after all that serious adulting stuff. 

And I have just the thing:

I can't look in this corner without smiling. THAT DERPY FACE, omigosh.

Let's see, other than those notables I've just been facing the same world you are: avoiding stores when we can, dodging people when we can't, and learning how to safely connect with loved ones. I'm both sad and a little relieved that my parents just cancelled their visit this year, and like you, I'm brainstorming ways to still celebrate and spread a little cheer through the season.  

My biggest joy this past month has been working on a bunch of home projects for some dear friends. I've been having a blast organizing, painting, redecorating, etc. My next post I'll show you what we've just finished over there, but here are a couple sneak peeks at Tired John Mid-Process:

(I really do think they paid off, can't wait for you to see.)

Our friends are high risk and have been in strict lockdown since March, so we've been extra careful. John and I are so used to wearing our masks they're nearly second nature now. In fact we're never near anyone mask-free anymore. I'll occasionally invite a friend over to chat in person, but we stay masked until we're seated at opposite ends of the room. 

We had a lovely little Thanksgiving last week: strict mask rules and 3 distanced tables for 7 people. I even put on a nice outfit to mark the occasion with, like, a BELT and everything:

 

Suki is really upping her photobomb game.

Some folks will say we should have stayed home, others will say all our precautions are "living in fear." All I can say is we don't know how many more Thanksgivings we'll get with some of our loved ones, and we're doing the best we can. If you're in that same boat, know that I see you. I get it. It's not always as simple as "just wait 'til next year." So wash your hands, wear your mask, and do what you safely can to make your loved ones feel loved right now.

I will say that across-the-room and/or masked conversations feel normal now, and those little one-on-one interactions do so much for my mental health. Since I work online all day I find it extra hard to socialize here: I just want to log off to relax, not join another zoom or chat. I still try, of course, since I know that's all most of us have right now. Plus our Friday night movies on the Epbot Discord are always a blast.

That reminds me, here's something pretty stellar from last week's "Men in Black Friday" over on Discord: During K's monologue he says, "I am a figment of your imagination," which got us all joking about Figment. Then maybe 15 minutes later, John had put this together:

::singing:: "The title held by me, F-I-G,
Means what you think you saw, you did not see!"

 Oh yes, it's the Figment MIB crossover we never knew we needed! Ha! John made the tie from felt since we don't have one, and that white shirt is actually from John's Dreamfinder costume! Aww.

Bonus far shot because it's so ridiculous:

This week I was texting with Joanie Fuller from my last Dapper Day post, who just celebrated her 40th Thanksgiving with her husband, Ray. She wrote something that's stuck with me, advice I think we all need today. She said, "Never stop having fun, even if it takes looking a little silly sometimes."

I know "fun" may feel like a million miles away, but do me a favor: look for it anyway this week. Find the little ways to laugh or be silly. Don't look too far ahead or all the way up the mountain; instead focus on right now. 

And hey, if you're feeling disconnected or just craving a little no-pressure socializing, give Movie Night a try this Friday or Sunday over on Discord. It's literally just a text chat  - no video or voice - while we all watch The Muppet Christmas Carol together. Consider it your "fun homework"; it's easy to lurk and/or just share funny .gifs. 

And finally, remember, because this is super duper important: I will never have all my stuff together.  I lean on you, same as you lean on me sometimes. That's what makes life messy, but also worth the mess - so long as we're falling apart together. ;) 

*****

P.S. It's a new month, which means new Squeegineer winners! And this month we're upping it to 3 winners, just as an extra thank you to all of you for being here. So congratulations, Elizabeth H., Michele C., and Lisa T., and please check your inboxes for a message from John to pick your prizes! I added a few new prize options last night, too, which are pretty awesome, if I do say so myself. ::eyebrow waggle:: (I'm working my way through my office closet and finding all KINDS of goodies.)