After Reading 2 Books On Perfectionism, Here Are My Top Fourteen Take-Aways

So hi, you. 

::floomphs down on couch::

How are things? How ya holding up?

John and I are still working offline jobs as often as we can, then balancing work here online and making time for a few fun projects, too. This could be just me, but lately it all feels... a little harder? Anyone else feeling that? Florida just lifted all their Covid restrictions, which had the curious effect of making some of our friends give up social distancing, and others return to total lockdown. John and I work for older and at-risk friends a lot, so we're more on the cautious side. Turning down invites is always awkward, though; no matter where you fall on the social-distancing scale, you still end up feeling judged, right? And that's hard on people-pleasers like me.

Anyway, there's your reminder to give friends & family a lot of grace right now, whether you agree with them or not. We're all just trying to live and love each other the best we can out here.

On a more positive note, the last few weeks I've read a couple of books on perfectionism: why it's bad, how it holds us back, and how to work around it. I also started CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) for the first time, since up 'til now my therapist has been using something called Attachment Theory. (Which has helped enormously, btw.) All of this has me learning some nifty new tools, and I'm kind of amazed how well the stuff I've learned about perfectionism goes with what I'm learning in CBT.

In fact, I've been so impressed that I thought I'd share my top take-aways from those two books: things I wrote down and have been trying to practice/absorb since.

First up, How To Be An Imperfectionist, by Stephen Guise

If you have Amazon Prime you can read this for free on your Kindle. Score!

Now I have to admit, I wasn't going to review this book at first, because the author got on my nerves. He's the usual self-help guru type, always bragging on himself and pitching his last book, and then he only uses illustrations about sports, how much he goes to the gym, or how many women he's asked out. Gah. By the last few chapters I was reading with gritted teeth, and at one point John walked in and burst out laughing at my expression.

BUT.

As much as I disliked reading it, this book really does have some great tips on beating perfectionism: things that made a positive difference for me as soon as the next day.

Harrumph.

So... FINE. 

Here's what I wrote down as I read:

- Emphasize the effort, not the results.
 
For this I've been reminding myself how much more you readers respond when I share my "failures" versus my successes - how the imperfect stuff brings us closer and sparks better conversations.

- When doing something difficult, don't look ahead. Focus on your very next step, and no further. Looking ahead will only overwhelm you and make you want to give up.

I feel this one a LOT. I loooove looking ahead and deciding The Thing is not worth The Effort. So I'm trying to tunnel-vision myself and only look at my feet, so to speak. One step at a time.

- We perfectionists must ignore our current circumstances - meaning how we feel - AND the possible result. Focus instead on the procedure.

Feelings lie. I already knew depression lies, but I'm learning ALL emotions can and do lie, so I can't trust myself when I "don't feel inspired" or "don't feel like" doing something. Most of the time motivation follows action, not the other way around.

- Replace "should" with "could."

Take away the self-condemnation. So when thinking about the past, replace "I should have gone to that party," with "I could have gone to that party." Or replace "I should get back to work now," with "I could get back to work now."

This one has made a noticeable shift in my thinking, y'all. It changes the whip into a hall pass, and makes me feel like I have a choice instead of an obligation. HIGHLY recommend.

- Confidence requires practice, because confidence is comfort. Practice taking up space and striking confident poses, then practice minor "embarrassing" things like wearing something silly or talking to strangers. Get comfortable being awkward, and you will feel more confident.

He cited a study that said people who struck a confident pose for just 2 minutes (hands on hips, head tall) increased their testosterone by 20%. So silly as this sounds, I've been practicing holding my arms out wide when I walk on the treadmill. I don't know what my testosterone thinks about this, but it feels... nice... to take up more space.

- Measure success by IF you did something or not, not how WELL you did it. Re-define "success" as progress, as experience.

I appreciate that Guise admits we perfectionists can't simply change our nature, so we have to trick it by redefining success. If the goal is giving a speech - not giving it WELL - then even if you do a terrible job you'll still have "given a speech" perfectly. I believe he called it binary thinking: you either did something, or you didn't.

The very next morning after reading this I didn't have enough time to walk my usual 30 minutes before an appointment, so I figured I'd go sit at my desk instead. Then I remembered this tip, and realized I could walk for only 15 minutes, and I'd still have "walked on the treadmill" perfectly.  BOOM, BABY. Put a check mark in that box! Such a small thing, but a real game-changer for me - and I really enjoyed that 15 minute walk, dangit.

- Quantity over quality: The experience you gain making wrong decisions will help you make the right ones. So choose experience over your own predictions that something will be terrible.

I'm rubbish at this, and furthermore, I DON'T LIKE IT - so I keep reading it as a reminder, ha.

- The answer is activity. Choose something and go do it.

This one pairs perfectly with the CBT principles I'm learning about combating internal paralyses from depression: that literally any activity can lessen depression. Anything that distracts you from your own self-critical thoughts is healthy and useful. Perfectionism is its own form of paralysis, so I want to work on just choosing something - anything - and going and doing that.


Wow, that took a lot more words than I expected! You still with me? Don't worry, I'm going to zip through this next book, since I only have a few really impactful bits I want to share:


The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brené Brown

I love Brené Brown's talks on Youtube, which is how I found her, but this is my first time reading one of her books. She's relatable, humble, and funny - the polar opposite of Guise - but she can also be a little hard to follow, since she doesn't have easy "tips" condensed down the way he does. Brown uses a lot of big concept words and sweeping statements, so this book didn't feel as laser-focused on perfectionism as I expected; it was more comprehensive and touched on a little of everything regarding "wholehearted living."

There were a few things Brown did say on perfectionism that struck home, though, and these hit me much harder than anything Guise wrote. Here, I'll give you the Biggies:

- Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism. And the less we talk about shame, the more we have it.

I have nothing to add, except the more I think about this statement, the more eye-opening it is.

- Most perfectionists were raised being praised for what they did, so we start to believe, "I am what I accomplish, and how well I do it."

Oh look, it's me. I was praised a lot for my writing in particular growing up. And I should add, this is not blaming anyone for praising us as kids; it's just how perfectionists interpret that praise. If we are only as good as our last accomplishment, then any failure means we, too, are failures.

- "Life paralysis" is when we're too afraid to put anything out in the world that's imperfect. It's also the dreams we don't follow because we're so afraid of failure.

- This is why risk is so terrifying for a perfectionist: our very self-worth is on the line.

I had to sit with those last two for a while and really practice my new CBT skills. It's hard not to beat myself up for this, and so so hard not to regret and grieve over all the creative risks I've been too afraid to take, that I'm still too afraid to take.

Now on the more encouraging side:

- The only unique contribution we will ever make in this world will come from our creativity.

- "Don't ask what the world needs, ask what makes you come alive, and go do it." - Howard Thurman

Yes and yes. YES AND YES, my friends.

I hope some of this is helpful for my fellow perfectionists out there, and maybe helps us to be brave enough to try new things. If any of this piqued your interest, definitely check out both books! Both are relatively quick reads, and as much as I disliked How To Be An Imperfectionist, I have to admit it gave me the the most "actionable" advice. Brene's Brown's is more of a deep dive that takes a more philosophical, soulful approach, but they feel like two sides of the same coin.

Right, now it's your turn: are you a perfectionist? And if so, have you spent most of your life (like me) thinking that was a good thing?

Bonus question for anyone feeling brave: What's something your perfectionism is keeping you from? What are you too afraid of failing at to try? (I'll give you one for me: traditional art. I loved drawing and painting all the way into high school, but now I'm so afraid of failing I won't even pick up a sketch pad.)

******

 Oops, I almost forgot: today's the last day to enter our monthly Squeegineer Give-Away!

I added some fun stuff this month for prizes, hit the link up there for details on how to enter.