22 Years Of Not Being Perfect - But Being Enough

 I spent most of the past 3 days on the couch feeling uninspired and bingeing Youtube videos on how to organize your kitchen. I also ate a lot of non-dairy ice cream. Kind of my version of a bender. 

Anyway, one of those videos walloped me with something profound, and I'm so annoyed by how accurate this is I have to share. I don't remember which of the 50 videos I watched had this in it, but here's the gist:

Perfectionism is a form of fear.

Fear of not being good enough, smart enough - fear of just not being enough.

As a life-long perfectionist who's currently wrestling with many MANY fears, and yet who never equated those two things to each other, can I just say, "OUCH"?

Because ouch. 

Anyway, that's when John came in and found me crying into my Cherry Garcia over a pantry-organizing video. (Sometimes I like to imagine what John's Twitter account would look like if he had one. "Reasons My Wife Is Crying #217: We don't have separate bins for our pasta boxes... I think?")

We had a couple projects I was looking forward to cancel last week, so I got stuck thinking no one wants us to work for them because I'm not doing a good enough job. That I'm not helping enough, not handy enough, not writing enough posts or filming enough videos - just plain not enough. I know that's not true, but I have a hard time believing it's not true. It's exhausting, having a brain like this. Some of you have brains wired the same way, so you know. You've been here. Then we get frustrated at ourselves for feeling this way, but we're too tired to try any harder to not feel this way, right? (Tell me this isn't just me.)

Saturday was our 22nd wedding anniversary, and since I was down with a migraine, my brightest spot was sharing a few old wedding snapshots online. John loves my Story posts, so a lot of times I'm writing these just for him - and watching his face when he got to the two with his favorite songs was the best minute of my day.

 

For this one I had "Tightrope" playing - John's favorite song from Greatest Showman. (I think he might like "Thousand Years" from the Twilight movies even more, but I have to draw the line SOMEWHERE. :p)

Also I look startled there because John snuck up behind me when I was trying to take a selfie, ha.

Next our wedding song:

Awww yeeeah.

Sharing happy memories is one of the best ways we can fight back against our broken brains and lying emotions. Not only do we remind ourselves what it feels like to be happy, we get to spread some of that happy to other people, who then bounce it back to us. It's a win-win-win.

And of course, nothing's better than sharing a memory that makes people laugh:

Looking at these old pics reminded me how far I've come, how proud I am of the life John & I've built together, and that maybe I should cut myself a little slack. Then I had a bunch of fun interactions with you guys online, laughing over giant dresses and grumpy grandparents, and finally John and I watched the new Phineas & Ferb movie on Disney Plus. After all that - plus some ice packs for my head - I felt better, more at peace.

It's still a daily struggle, this fight so many of us have to be both perfect and OK with not being perfect. If you're stuck in that place right now - the one where every thought accuses you of not being enough - try sharing a happy memory. When's the last time you laughed 'til your sides hurt, or cried happy tears? What's something you're still super proud of? Go tell people about it. If you don't want to share on your own pages, then write it here in the comments. Let's remind each other - and ourselves - that whatever we do or don't do, however we feel, whoever we are, we are loved, and we are enough.

*****

Tonight's the last night to enter our monthly Squeegineer give-away! Remember you're already entered if you've given us any amount via Paypal this month, but otherwise you can enter via e-mail, details at the link.

I forgot to add it to the prize photo gallery, but starting this month you can choose a custom face mask set as your prize: 2 foam frames & your choice of 6 fabric covers. I also have a bunch of kids' sizes I'm making with the scraps, so tell me if you have younger kids, and I'll throw in a set for them, too.

Whether you support me and John by sending us money or by sending us your friends - uh, you know, virtually, by sharing my posts on social media, DON'T MAIL ME PEOPLE, that'd be weird - thank you so much. We love you, and we're so glad you're here.