What's A Little Therapy Among Friends?

I wrote this post over 10 days ago, tinkered with it for a few days, and finally shelved it because I decided it was too controversial.

Then my friend Briana posted something that hit home with me. She wrote about how useless she feels right now: how she can't deliver food, or sew masks, or 3D print respirator pieces, and it's breaking her heart to just SIT HERE when she wants to help.

That drove me back to this post - because this is a way a lot of you in Briana's situation can help. And in fact when I wrote this I was thinking about Briana and a few other friends in particular: people who are both empathic by nature and really excellent at being engaged listeners.

This is still controversial. This may not be feasible for a lot of you. But you know what? I can't deliver food or sew masks or 3D print things either, so this is me offering what I have, in the hopes that it helps, even a little, even one person.

*****

I woke up this morning (OK, this afternoon) thinking about therapy. Not my own, not for me, but for you. For my friends, my family. See, over the past few months I've experienced the bewildering benefit of having a scheduled hour each week to talk through my panic with a professional therapist, and now I want everyone I love to have that. I want you to have that.

But we all know therapy is a luxury most people can't afford, especially here in the U.S.. I'm extremely aware of how fortunate I am in that regard. Having a single hour carved out each week for me to talk about what's on my mind has been incredibly grounding. It's freeing. It helps me take out all my fears, line them up in front of me, and give them a frank look-over. And when I do that, my fears lose their teeth. They shrink. To paraphrase Mr. Rogers, the unmentionable becomes mentionable, becomes manageable.

And now here we are, you and I, separate but united in the things we need and want. Because after our physical needs are met, what we all most want is to be safe, to be heard, and to be loved.

And here we are, as a global community, amazingly enough, with a lot of fears, a lot of restless boredom, and a lot more time on our hands. So many of us want to help, to leap into the fray, but since we have to self-isolate we don't know how.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Pinky?
 
What if - and bear with me on this, hear me out - what if we all became deputized... emergency... therapists. What if we started scheduling an hour a week with each other through FaceTime (or Zoom, etc) to give the most sacrificial and loving gift we have to offer: our time and loving attention.

Obviously this comes with a metric ton of caveats, and if you're already thinking through red flags and "But what about...?" - VALID. I am by no means suggesting any of us can replace licensed mental health professionals. However. I know most people - or at least most Americans - don't have access to therapy, and right now we're facing an anxious time when even the most stable among us are feeling shaken. I also know many of you have the incredible ability to be a good listener, and right now you could do so much good with that gift.

Here's what I'm thinking:

1) Pick a friend. Someone you've known a while, someone you love, someone you genuinely enjoy hearing from. Not that you just enjoy talking to, mind you, but hearing from. There's a difference. If that hasn't narrowed it down enough, also make sure this friend is someone who seems like they'd benefit from a weekly check-in.

2) Ask that friend to commit to a one hour conversation via FaceTime every week with you. Put it on your schedules. Treat that time as sacred, as a formal appointment. Lock up the pets, tell your family not to interrupt, the works.

3) During that time, focus on your friend. Make the conversation entirely about them. Ask how they're doing, what they did that day, what's weighing on them. Ask, then really listen. Keep asking and listening until the hour is up.

And that's it. Now do it again next week.

 

Quick cat break, because Eva insisted I show you her belly. She'd also like to know why you haven't given her a belly rub yet, because cats don't understand quarantines OR social boundaries.

So what's in this hour-a-week thing for you? Absolutely nothing. Only the knowledge that you are giving something life-giving and useful and loving. This is a sacrifice most people would never make... but if I know this community, then I bet some of you are willing to step up and be the loving exceptions.

If you have the emotional energy you could even make appointments for a few friends, spacing them out through the week. If you're the empathic sort who soaks up emotions to your detriment, though, then be careful. Don't take on the world. Remember you can't "fix" anyone. Choose who you focus on wisely and selectively, and only do this if you have a therapeutic outlet yourself.

Which brings me to:



Flip side, think of someone you know and love that you really enjoy talking to. Someone who listens, who makes you feel seen and safe. I don't mean to put your friends on the spot, but ... ask. Be incredibly understanding and gracious if they can't, but ask if they'd be willing to listen to you talk for an hour every week, or even half an hour. Tell them why you want to talk to them. I promise there's no better compliment then being told you make someone feel seen and safe.

If you're in a relationship or have a quarantine roommate, this could be a great exercise to defuse any tensions during this tense time. Just make sure you don't schedule both "appointments" back-to-back. Space it out. You don't want your time to be a competition, or to be thinking about what you want to say while the other person is talking.

Now let's say you don't have anyone to ask. Maybe all your loved ones are too busy, or maybe you can't think of anyone you trust enough to be honest with. In that case:

Schedule your one hour "appointment" each week anyway. Set the alarm on your phone. No distractions, no putting it off! During that hour, set up your phone or your computer to record, and talk to the camera. It might feel silly at first, but keep going, push through. Remember, no one ever has to see this. So just start talking! Talk about what you're feeling, what you're anxious about, what you're happy about. If it helps, imagine you're talking to a friend, a beloved grandparent, or even me. Whoever it is, it's someone who loves you and wants to know all about your day and what you're up to.

Giving an audible voice to the thoughts in your head does things I can't even describe, you guys. It has power I don't fully understand; I just know it works. In fact, as a writer, I'm a little annoyed by how much better I feel talking versus writing. It doesn't seem fair! But with talking, there are no re-writes. You can't look back and tweak your phrasing or obsess over punctuation and grammar. Talking is more raw, more real, more human. And we need that human connection now more than ever.

 

 Although kitty connections are nice, too.  *boop*

I'll be honest, I don't expect very many of you to offer that hour per week to your friends. I'm not even sure *I* will, as I'm struggling to juggle so many virtual conversations and check-ins with friends and family while keeping both blogs going and fighting back my own anxiety. It's a lot for me, just like it's a lot for most of you. But maybe - maybe - some of you out there have the extra time, and a heart that's crying out to help.  Maybe some of you can do this. And if even one more human connection is made, if even one hurting heart is heard and comforted, then all of us staggering through this hugely long post I'm writing will have been worth it.

I love you guys. Now please, go talk your hearts out! Even if I can't be there for you for real, I'm rooting for you, and I'm there listening in spirit anytime you want me to.

I'd also love to hear your thoughts on this: the ways you'd change it to better fit your needs/schedule, things you think we should (or shouldn't) ask each other during our virtual check-ins, and whether or not you plan to try!

*****

P.S. Our Squeegineer give-away is still happening at the end of the month! The prizes are things John and I've either made or had in our closets for too long, and are just a little way for us to say thanks for supporting Epbot. Any of you who've given to us via Paypal are automatically entered (and thank you!), but everyone else can enter by sharing any Epbot post on social media, then e-mailing me a screengrab by the 31st. Check out the details and prize galleries here on the Squeegineer page. 

Here are a few new goodies I've added this month:

 I'm excited for all my little treasures to end up in your homes eventually. :) Happy e-mailing!