Then came the Dreaded Group Photo, which as the capricious fates and bad restaurant lighting would have it, placed me - and ONLY me - in a blinding spotlight on the very edge of the group, while everyone else was in near total darkness.
It goes without saying, I think, that this was the worst photo of myself taken in ages. I look like a partially deflated Macy's balloon, y'all. I look fifty pounds heavier, my hair is a mess, one boob looks bigger than my entire head, and I'm pretty sure my jowls have jowls.
And of course - OF COURSE - it was posted to Facebook.
So to sum up: all the famous attractive people - who have never met me, have no idea who I am or why I was there - are in deep dark shadow, and then tacked on at the very edge is me in a giant spotlight, glowing the glow of an unevenly voluptuous firefly butt.
When I clicked on the FB notification that this photo had been posted, I sat in cringing silence for several long seconds. Shock, shame, embarrassment... some of you know this particular rodeo. Thing is, not too long ago, something like this would have ruined my whole day. It may have even brought on tears, and resulted in a long, sleepless night of self-loathing.
But instead, after the initial cringe and sadness had subsided, I gave the tiniest, tiniest little chuckle. I imagined all these people blinking at their group photo and asking each other, "Who's that?" It still stung, for sure, but it was also kind of funny. Here I am, I thought, in a group of performers, stealing their spotlight!
Then I realized something: I think this is what progress looks like. I think... you guys, I think my Self-Hate Battle Plan is working.
See, just that afternoon I'd taken what I thought was one of my better outfit photos. I even showed most of my face! And folks on IG had been sending me hearts and messages about how my outfit looked like a Slytherin or Loki 'bound, and I was feeling pretty OK with myself. All that positive reinforcement, both from others AND from myself, gave me perspective on the awful group photo. I realized that one bad shot wasn't all there was of me. I realized I could look better than that, and sometimes did!
And that's the point of my Battle Plan: to practice seeing myself in a better light - literally and figuratively - so when these shockingly bad photos come along I have something to fight with. This week I was armed with a good photo of myself from the very same night, so I knew more than ever: a single photo is never the whole picture. Photos are a fleeting second in time that can be easily manipulated, and with the right pose and lighting, I CAN take a good picture. I daresay anyone can.
Knowing that - knowing that it IS possible for me to like a photo of myself - makes it so much easier to accept the bad ones. If I hadn't been pushing myself to take these daily outfit photos, though, I'd never have known that. I'd have thought the bad photo was the truth, was all there was of me.
As proof of my progress - and so you can laugh with me over how ridiculous this bad photo really is - allow me to present my very own Instagram vs Reality. This still isn't easy for me to post, but the fact that I CAN - the fact that I'm actually excited to show you guys how far I've come - is all I need to know my Battle Plan is working. I hope it encourages you to keep fighting, too.
INSTAGRAM
(Filtered for better light, but never photoshopped)
REALITY
(I blurred the rest of the group, but otherwise adjusted nothing)
******
Stay tuned for more MetroCon cosplay! I'm busy editing all our flash portraits now, can't wait to show you my favorites.
*****
Oh! And the green dress I'm wearing in these pics is a comfy cotton tank dress, btw, perfect for summer, easy to layer, and $19 on Amazon. You can find it on the "Stuff Jen Wears" List here on my Epbot Amazon page. (I also added my rainbow prism dress and the pastel unicorn one, if you're looking for more colorful options!)
blame johns hand for the giant boob. though its doesnt look bad it actually makes me jealous and want bigger boobs lol. you look great!
ReplyDelete^This. Seriously. Sometimes a pose sounds great...and then you get squishy funky parts looking wrong all over the photo. #1 You are adorable, #2 The anxiety of the evening makes it worse (Gets me every time) and $3, the closest person to the camera (no thanks to the extra light there) always looks bigger than they are. You look great in your outfit pics, don't let one random photo kill the joy you've had going ^_^
DeleteJenny dear, it is a WONDERFUL photo of you and your hubby. You look happy and content and you should crop the rest of the group away from your smiling faces. Last weekend was my 40th (gasp) high school reunion and prom queens and wallflowers were indistinguishable. Jocks and band nerds were the same. We laughed and shared stories (some with different remembered details). We mourned the loss of classmates and long lost youth and left the weekend swearing to appreciate EVERY day and everyone and maybe have another reunion in the near future. You are beautiful... in BOTH photos.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with Anonymous up there. You and John look so happy. Congratulations on being able to see the humor in this bad picture and realize that it's a lie about how you look. You and John are beautiful, always beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI'm laughing so hard at myself because I didn't scroll far enough so the group shot was captioned "(Filtered for better light, but never photoshopped)" and so I was thinking "Wow, she really DID steal the spotlight...." Also, you and John look great.
ReplyDeleteI really hate what this s### does to our self-perception. You're cute in BOTH those pictures. As the others say, you and John look happy in that group picture (also I love your hair in the outfit selfie). Nevertheless I see your point - I have the same thing when it comes to photos of me. But you're absolutely right - we should stop beating ourselves up over this stuff. It's just a way to make ourselves unhappy when others don't even see what we see.
ReplyDeleteI bought one of the unicorn dresses you wore a while back and have received nothing but compliments!!! Thank you for my medieval tapestry awesomeness!
ReplyDeleteDear Jen, another arrow for your quiver against self-hate: photos are NEVER 'reality'! As a photographer, I can tell you that even with non-digital cameras, things are distorted to some degree by the lens, light, angle, relative distances, etc. And it's even worse with digital cameras. If it helps, just remember how most of the Lord of the Rings movie shots with different sizes of characters were done with simple trickery - having someone closer to the camera made them appear much bigger than those further away! Looking at both photos, I'm willing to bet that your selfie is much closer to reality, and the group shot is unfairly adding the illusion of weight etc because of the lighting, camera position (lower to the ground), you are further forward than the others, and, as Jennifer says above, John's arm is giving your boob extra lift :-D This is a good lesson for all of us to remember to take these things with a huge spoonful of salt!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Susan's assessment: plus if it's a phone pic it's a wide-angle lens, and that always has the most distortion at the outer edges. But you and John look so happy--it's really all about that natural, happy smile.
ReplyDeleteYou wrote "with the right pose and lighting, I CAN take a good picture. I daresay anyone can.", and I agree. But the opposite is true too. With the "right" (ie wrong) pose and lighting and camera position, anyone can take a bad picture too. Even the "most beautiful" celebrities have bad photos taken of them. Pictures don't always show real reality.
ReplyDeleteI keep reminding myself of this because I, too, have struggled with how I look in photos. I haven't enjoyed having my photo taken for years now, but I also want to be able to have photos to look back on to remember the fun and family times. I may cringe inwardly when I see my extra squishiness, but then I remind myself that this is me and I only get the one chance to be me.
"...then I remind myself that this is me and I only get the one chance to be me."
DeleteThis is beautifully said. You made me cry with your lovely and wise words!
Something to consider is that photos do not capture the magic of extremely cool people. Those things that make us shine and glimmer and be clever and creative and just plain FUN to be around don't come out in photos. I have no doubt that you are one of those people who plain SHINE because of your personality and cr, eativity.
ReplyDeleteI've long since slid into happy middle aged invisibility, but truly I know I still shine because I'm a smart, vivacious person - so that makes me feel lovely even though I know I no long am, in photos. In person, people respond to my smiles with big smiles of their own, so all in all, I'm good.
Love the body you're in. Celebrate that you were able to get out with a group that included strangers, and had a good time. Rejoice that you have such a great guy, who loves you as you are; and a legion of fans that thinks you're as darling as could be!
This really made me smile this morning. I've been loving your outfit selfies! In that group photo, it looks like your boob is specifically stealing the spotlight ;)
ReplyDelete"a single photo is never the whole picture" - I think we ALL need to repeat this as a mantra during dubious group photos. Photos are so flat and might be worth a thousand words, but still don't convey every dimension of 'Us'. LOL Even pro photographers have trouble perfecting group shots (ask my friend who shut her eyes in EVERY wedding photo and they had to photoshop eyes from a private photoshoot for a half-decent group portrait). Make the best of it and giggle that you owned that spotlight with your sweet hubby. :)
ReplyDeleteOne thing that I have found/held onto over time is valuing myself for so much more than my appearance. I don't owe looks to anyone - to myself, to my husband, to society. Not smelling bad? Probably. But not looking like someone else's idea of how a woman should look. My value is in so much more than my looks... I find I can hold onto this any time except when shopping... trying on clothing takes me back to high school. Still working on that one.
ReplyDeleteWow you weren't kidding that is not a flattering or remotely accurate picture of you. But its good to be reminded that when i hate a pic of myself its probably just a bad angle. Congrats on your progress!
ReplyDeleteI go through the exact same struggle with pictures and try to remind myself that while I am over-analyzing EVERY little detail in a photo, most people are doing the same thing about themselves and not paying much attention to me in that same photo. I once was doing my makeup in my bathroom and my sister was hanging out and chatting with me. She was laughing at the way I put on mascara (I use a handheld mirror rather than using the massive mirror we have on the wall) and snapped a picture of me. I couldn't reconcile the difference between how I looked to myself in the mirror and how I looked in the picture...and they were both at the same moment in time! It's a slow and sometimes painful process of accepting yourself and I am right there with you. I love that you are talking about this. Sometimes I feel like it's just me.
ReplyDeleteI have come to the conclusion that I will never look good in a group photo. I always seem to get that edge spot just as you have, and I always stand out like a sore thumb, don't know why lol! That being said, I usually ignore those and focus on the selfies or candid photos of me at that event since they usually come out so much better. Bad lighting and angles can make anyone look a million times worse than reality, you just have to remember that when you see these types of photos ♥️
ReplyDeleteHooray for big victories! I love that you're at a point where you can see the humor in a picture you don't love of yourself. And that you're willing to share it with us. I really believe that what people see when they look at a photo of us is so different than what we see. When I see my photos (the less flattering ones) I see a droopy eye, weird hair, dark circles under my eye, folds in my neck, unflattering clothes, etc. But for the most part I think other people see . . . me. They're not analyzing and agonizing over those details.
ReplyDeleteI recently needed a new passport picture, and I decided to go just get it done one day while I was running errands. After looking at the preview, I almost bailed because it was so bad. My hair looked greasy, and I had on no makeup and looked tired. But I didn't want to have to go back so I just paid for it and hoped I wouldn't have to show too many people. Well, I mentioned how bad it was to my husband, and so of course he took it from me to look at it. And guess what? He said it was fine - he didn't see the greasy hair, or the tired face. He just saw me! (which maybe is an indication that I've really let myself go and he's just gotten use to it. LOL!) Anyway, my point is, even when we think it's really bad, other people aren't looking and saying "Woah, that's terrible!"
And for the record, if you had posted that picture without mentioning any of the things you saw wrong with it, I honestly wouldn't have seen anything other than a happy, smiling Jen! Actually, even with your disclaimers that's still what I see. I hope soon that's all you see too (and that goes for the rest of us too, because it's still a struggle for most of us I think!).
Great job! Your hard work is paying off.
ReplyDeleteBTW, when i look at that pick i noticed the horrible lighting first and then the sweet way John has his arms around you. Yes, once you pointed stuff out i could see that it wasn't the most flattering pic of you, but that isn't at all what i noticed.
Ditto!
DeleteYou actually look WAAAAAYYYYY better than John does in that group photo. Honestly, if I were John, I would've never let you post it! Hahahaha! I agree that it is not a very good photo of you with that unfortunate lighting and edge-distortion, but at least you are still recognizable. The lighting on John makes him look like a completely different (and kinda scary) person!
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm glad that you are doing better. You're giving me hope for my own camera and photo phobia. Last night I actually considered taking a selfie. I didn't do it. But, I at least considered it, heh!
xoxoxo,
KW
You look fine, of course, in the group photo, not at all like you see yourself in it. Kudos to you for posting a picture of yourself you dislike though, that's a HUGE leap forward! I hope I can work on my own issues and get to that place. But also, it is absolutely hilarious to me that you literally stole the spotlight from the performers that you know would have loooooved it!!
ReplyDeleteOkay, for some reason the way you blurred the picture and the way your hair is down in front made me think you were holding a small tree. 🤣🤣🤣 Brains are so crazy! 🤣 Also, I've been laughing at myself for 10 min about seeing that picture wrong.
ReplyDeleteI saw the tree too!! And I didn't figure out it was her hair so now I'm laughing at myself too. Why would she have a tree on her shirt?? Crazy brain for sure. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one with one. :)
DeleteI was trying to figure out why she was holding a branch (part of a tree!) as well! Hahaha! Photos are never the whole story. I like to be in the middle in group shots & "Strike a pose!" as madonna said! I may look like shit, but I look like confident shit!
DeleteFWIW, I realize it's really easy to say this about someone else's photo, especially when you don't know them personally and thus aren't familiar with their usual appearance, but I thought you looked cute in that picture. Your smile is gorgeous! That being said, whoever was taking that picture should definitely pay a *little* more attention to lighting. And you might ask John not to play push-up bra during photos unless you specifically request it. :-p
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should start bringing an enlarged (group-sized) version of your blackout-flash rig and take charge. (Famous attractive people: "Huh, apparently they're specialty photographers? I didn't think dinner-party snapshots were usually this involved." [Blackout-photography commences.] Famous attractive people: "...I am still confused, yet intrigued...Do you think she does headshots?")
<3 I love this idea!
DeleteI think you look happy and contented - yes,you are with people you don't know, but you have the look of someone who has had a great night with friends! The first thing I thought when I saw the picture was 'the green she is wearing is incredible!'
ReplyDeleteI always wonder if other people see me the same way that I see me. I have friends who always look PERFECT in every picture, meanwhile I hate my hair or my eyes are closed or squinty or I have double chins...but my perfect friends always see their imperfections too, even though I would kill for their minor imperfections. So I've really just let it go because not everyone can be a supermodel, nor would we want everyone to be one. I'm okay with being the okay-ish looking one in the group and just remember the fun times that were had when that picture was taken. I'm a work in progress...
ReplyDeleteThat photo isn't that bad and you can absolutely blame John for the boob thing, he's totally pushing it up and making you lopsided. Way to go John! :-p
ReplyDeleteEveryone has pretty much covered the photos. You are beautiful and a crap photo doesn't change that. You know what is even more beautiful? The amazing inspiration you have given to so many people. FOE is blowing up with photos of folks stepping WAY out of their old comfort zones. Stories of people who are putting on swimsuits and going out in public (myself included). So much great energy and encouragement, and so many photos of beautiful and camera shy folks who are feeling better about themselves thanks to your efforts. Thank you so much.
ReplyDeleteI basically saw that and went, huh, pretty lady with a nice bust who is obviously adored by her man!
ReplyDeleteI am SO glad you shared the pic--you would have let us all down after such a teaser of a story! I was chuckling even before I saw it, and will confess at first it was a let down. Because you look so normal! So stinking adorable. But then. . . with your awesome, painful and hilarious description in my head, I lingered on the photo and saw it through your eyes--the awesome, terrible spotlight, the awkward hug chub--it's all there. I love everything about this story and the photo (LOVE that color on you) but the best part of course is that you shared it. : ) ROAR.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you're kicking the self loathing's a**! Our inner mean girls are way worse than the ones coming at you from the outside. Is the 2nd a flattering pic of either you or John? No. But i read somewhere that it's impossible to truly capture the beauty of a sunset or rainbow. In this pic...you and John are Monkey Fishsticking (I'm trying to cut down on my swearing :D ) rainbows!
ReplyDeleteShine bright like a diamond <3
ReplyDeleteI would sell my soul to be able to smile as convincingly as Jen is in that "bad" photo. When I'm in a group, I've been told I "radiate" how much I hate being there. So, well done, is what I'm saying.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations, ma'am. Many happy returns of this perspective!
ReplyDeleteNot the most flattering, but you still look like a perfectly acceptable human being. Pictures of happiness never seem to be completely flattering- I wish we could change that because being happy is beautiful!
ReplyDeleteI had been hesitant to share this earlier, but it feels relevant: it's a post I guest wrote a few years ago about capturing laughter in pictures.
https://offbeatbride.com/double-chin/
Oh, sweet lady, absolutely NO ONE is going to look at that photo and think to themselves, "Who's the chubby one with the lopsided boobs who stole the spotlight?" They're going to see smiles and people they care about, and remember a fabulous evening with friends. We're our own worst critics, I've learned.
ReplyDeleteAs a former thespian, present theater-goer, future I-don't-knower, please note that most thespians are SUPER SHY. They may put on the aloof persona or act over the top, but truly, approaching them slowly, and calmly, like a stray cat and making friendly noises like "I saw you in that last thing you did and it was FABULOUS" will make them your BEST FRIEND FOR LIFE. They may even help you move.
ReplyDeleteThis made me laugh too much; from the performers I know, you're quite correct!
DeleteExample #1 of me being awkward at college parties: we were at a bar with a dance floor and I kept staring at this group of guys who were dancing. I realized I looked like a creeper so when they made eye contact I told them I'd just seen them in the campus production of A Chorus Line and loved it/them. They were SO ECSTATIC they dragged me out onto the floor and made me dance with them, lol!
DeleteAwkward story #2: at a sorority function where there was a photographer. I got SUPER drunk which was highly unusual. Looking at the photos the next week and apparently when I was posing for several group shots with my friends ... I thought it was a kick line? So every one else looks cute and I'm the drunk idiot with my leg in the air.
Your enlarged boob is clearly John's fault but otherwise I think you look fine. Clearly your Slytherin Loki dress look is way better, but I'm so glad you're able to laugh at those less-than-flattering photos.
ReplyDeleteYou look like a cute, "real" girl. I'm very glad you feel you're making strides. I have to say, I laughed out loud - NOT at you but at how perfectly all the "celebs," who it's easy if probably unfair to assume were comfortable and expected the spotlight, are in shadow.
ReplyDeleteOf course, to be fair, some of them may well struggle with the self esteem issues as well.
Hey, is that the outfit you’ve tried putting layers on for Mori Girl style?? That’s great! I love it.
ReplyDeleteNot only are you seeing yourself in a better light, you can see you're in a better light.
ReplyDeleteI am so impressed that you posted this! As has been said, it's not a super flattering picture, but also not that bad. The impressive part is that you see that now too, and now we all can laugh at that *terrible* lighting!
ReplyDeleteYou and your husband are the only familiar recognized faces to me and I think you both are beautiful!
ReplyDeletePut that negative nelly head voice in the corner and go shine in your spotlight. Hugs.
lol, is that Tim Tracker in the middle of that blurred photo?! Don't answer! But if I saw him in person, I'd be as star struck as I was when I met you and John a couple of years ago at MegaCon!
ReplyDelete