How To Shrink-Wrap Your Christmas Tree For Fun & Profit!

When I posted my update before Christmas on how well our shrink-wrapped tree had fared its year in the garage, I had a surprising amount of requests for a tutorial. Which just goes to show that I've accumulated all the right sorts of readers here at Epbot, including the crazy, Christmas-tree-shrink-wrapping kind.

Now, I realize that you well-organized go-getters have already packed up all your Christmas decorations, so I guess that just means you guys are missing out this year. HA. That's one for the procrastinators!

And without further ado:  

HOW TO SHRINK-WRAP YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE FOR FUN & PROFIT

(Well, not so much profit, per se, but if you enjoy getting dizzy then this will definitely be fun.)


Step 1: Strip your tree of its ornaments and garland (but not the lights!), until it looks fresh and naked as the day it was manufactured in China:

NAKED TREE. 

Then set it somewhere away from walls & furniture, so you'll have room to work.

(Note that you're leaving the lights on your tree because the whole point of shrink-wrapping it is to save you time and effort next year. [I have somewhere between 8 and 10 strands of light on this tree.] YAY LAZINESS!)

Step 2:  Procure a roll of cheap no-name brand cling wrap, which any nearby felines will find, like, totally irresistible:

 Trying to work here, Lily. 

Lily. 

Lily. 

Hey, Lily. 

LILY!

Fine, can you at least stand still, then?

Thank you.

Step 3: Bend the top-most branch of your tree down, and use the end of your cling wrap to tie up the first few top branches into a big bunch:

Tie it tight!

If it helps, think of all those in-laws you won't have to see again for a whole 'nother year.

Step 4: Without cutting the cling wrap, start wrapping the top of your tree:

You'll want to have at least four or five layers of cling wrap, and be sure to loop one or two passes over the top of the tree, too, to seal it. Hermetically.

Step 5: Keep on wrapping, G-Dawg.

You may find it helps to throttle the tree, as John demonstrates here:

Step 6: After you've wrapped each section thoroughly, add in the next lower section of branches by bending them up:

It helps to have a second person there to steady the tree and help you get as tight of a wrap as possible. That person could also take pictures of you while you work and make squeaky little "HELP MEEEE!" voices on behalf of the tree, but I'm just spitballing here.

Optional Step 7: If at some point you need to take a break to rest and/or vomit from the constant walking in tiny circles, just tear off your end of cling wrap and pat it in place. If you've done your job properly, it should hold just fine:

Take this time to mock your tree with exclamations of how silly it looks.

Step 8: Back to work!

As you wrap lower on your tree you'll really need that second person to keep it from falling over while you yank on it. I found it also helped to give the tree a giant bear hug while John wrapped, both to hold the branches in place and to look extra superior when I asked John if HE had hugged a tree today.

Step 9: Only add in half of the lowest branches at a time:

The lowest branches are the biggest and heaviest, so adding them in two batches will help support the extra weight.

Step 10: Wrap all the way down the pole to seal the bottom of the tree:

Ta-da! TREE POP.

Step 11: Hang your shrink-wrapped tree upside down from the ceiling of your garage to freak out the neighbors. ("Shelob's Lair" sign optional.)

And that's it! When it comes time to unwrap the tree next year, just slice up the side of the cling wrap with a pair of scissors, fluff the branches back into shape, and have an extra cup of eggnog while you contemplate your intellectual superiority to all the poor tree-assembling schmoes out there. Easy-peasy!

Well guys, I hope you enjoyed this ridiculous tutorial as much as I enjoyed watching John do all the work. 'Til next time!


*****

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