How to Hose Your Old Car in 8 Easy Steps

Step 1: Forget to change the oil for about a year and a half.

Give or take 6 months.

Since my idea of "car maintenance" is chastising John for throwing his Diet Mountain Dew bottles in the backseat, this was a breeze. John's not much better: his idea of car maintenance is throwing his Diet Mountain Dew bottles in the backseat.

Step 2: When the car begins making "chugaggugug BLURRgarg" noises, take it in to the shop.

In my defense, I thought the car was fine. I figured those little bucking vibrations and the erratic engine revving were a feature. John, however, would not be convinced. (He has a ninja-like sixth sense about these things.)

Step 3: Endure the raucous laughter and incredulous stares of an entire shop's worth of auto mechanics.

Fortunately this step was left to John, who became a kind of instant celebrity. He may or may not have been asked to pose for pictures with the sludgy tar baby the team was able to extract from our oil pan. A team, by the way, which was made up by every single employee on site, including the janitor and what John thinks was the water-delivery guy.

Step 4: While driving the car home from the shop, note that the rear end is now dragging on the ground.

I was driving, and yes, it took me the whole trip home to realize maybe this wasn't quite right.

Step 5: Go back to the shop and have the struts replaced.

The struts that were damaged from putting the car on a lift to change the oil.

Source

Yeah. I can't imagine how that would have happened....

Now, since my history with mechanics makes me trust them about as far as they'd fall if I were to give them each a swift kick to the nuts (it's not a *good* history), at this point I was convinced the shop had sabotaged our car. Or at least I enjoyed yelling this theory to John when he informed me how much more our "oil change" was going to cost.

Step 6: While driving home from the shop a second time, note that the "check engine" light is now on.

Optional step 6a: renew your curse upon mechanics everywhere, because this is CLEARLY their fault.

Step 7: Go back to the shop (yes, the same one; who else knows your car better?) and learn that now the car needs a new computer.

[raising hand] Um, excuse me? Car manufacturers? Yeah, you guys. Look, if you're telling me my car has a computer in it - especially one that costs roughly the same as my Mac - then I should at least be able to play Plants vs Zombies on my dashboard. Is that so much to ask? Huh? Is it?!?

Step 8: Reveal to your Scrooge of a spouse that this has all been part of your dastardly plan to make her buy a new car.

John, sweetie? I'm waiting.

Update: for the record, I'm the Scrooge; not John. He's been wanting a new car for ages now, so I figure this was his all his doing. ;)